I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
