So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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