I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Michael Bay diarrhea
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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