I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
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WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
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I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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