I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I got inside last night via doggy door
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
