How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
