I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
