Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
