I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
