watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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