Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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