You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
