he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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