remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
