Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
