Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
