I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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