So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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