This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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