Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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