Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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