And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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