Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
