If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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