paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
