Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
