***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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