so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm too high and old for this...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
