I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
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This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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