i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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