my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
