I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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