Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
