I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
