You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
