We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
