Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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