Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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