The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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