Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
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Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
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I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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