He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
