pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
