dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
