I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's not a walk of shame if you run
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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