Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
