Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
