I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
