why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
