dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
