had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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