Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
