you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You know, be my cock's hype man.
How external is "for external use only"?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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