Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
