made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
