Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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