I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She needs sedatives and a leash
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
