if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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